It’s time for our unlucky-in-love girl to embrace ‘cuffing season’ and bag herself a boyfriend for the winter

7

STRICTLY Come Hoofing is back on telly, I’m shopping for coats and most of my meals have a melted cheese element… it can only mean one thing.

Yep, it’s Cuffing Season.

 'Cuffing season' is upon us and everybody is getting ready to couple up for winter

Getty – Contributor
‘Cuffing season’ is upon us and everybody is getting ready to couple up for winter

“Cuffing” is a slightly depressing term for the way people date in the modern world.

We “uncuff” from our other halves (ie dump the poor sods) in time for a footloose and knicker-free summer.

And then when the nights start drawing in, we look for long-term love again. Ready, get set, CUFF!

I can sympathise to a point. There was a moment in June when I was almost dry-humping the furniture so crazed was I with sun-soaked lust.

 Typically, couples 'uncuff' just in time to enjoy a footloose and knicker-free summer

Getty – Contributor
Typically, couples ‘uncuff’ just in time to enjoy a footloose and knicker-free summer

I went on date after date, had sex left, right and cowgirl and fooled myself it was all in the name of true love.

But actually, I was just looking to get my rocks off, not a rock on my finger.

I scoured Tinder, Happn and Bumble for hotties within 100 yards of my front door and refused to consider any man I didn’t have an instant groinal reaction to.

The low point? Hmm, probably Rota Guy trying to kill me with his penis.

 Now, Tinderella is ready to get herself a boyfriend for those winter nights - and she's got a blueprint to help her

Getty – Contributor
Now, Tinderella is ready to get herself a boyfriend for those winter nights – and she’s got a blueprint to help her

Or maybe sleeping with the ex I knew I wasn’t into.

But all that is about to change – I’m turning over a new leaf for autumn.

I want to sit too close to a hot radiator (I don’t have a fire) with a kind, laughing man my mum would love and wear smug matching knitwear on Bonfire Night.

I’ve had enough of lame drinks and sexual misfires with men I have nothing in common with.

It’s time to grow up and start looking for genuine guys I can be my true, dorky self around.

Here is my cuffing blueprint:

  • I will not have sex on a first, second or even third date. This will hurt me and come at no small personal cost but it will be WORTH it.
  • To make No1 remotely possible, I will have a maximum of three drinks on a date.
  • I will be grown up enough to ditch my obsession with penis size.
  • I will not reject a man solely for liking Slipknot.
  • I will not dress as a slutty witch for Halloween. I have done this for the past ten years and it’s still not working.
  • I will not pretend to be into dirty bedroom weirdness to impress worldly types.
  • I will let my sister pick three dates for me. She has better taste in men.
  • I will continue to write about all said dates in a national newspaper, giving karma just the ammo she needs to carry on lobbing grenades at my sex life.
  • If I do all of the above, I will be in love by Christmas. Fact.
YouTuber Katie Snooks, who is anticipated to be a future Love Islander, talks about Tinder dates on her Vlog
SHARE

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here