STRICTLY Come Hoofing is back on telly, I’m shopping for coats and most of my meals have a melted cheese element… it can only mean one thing.
Yep, it’s Cuffing Season.
“Cuffing” is a slightly depressing term for the way people date in the modern world.
We “uncuff” from our other halves (ie dump the poor sods) in time for a footloose and knicker-free summer.
And then when the nights start drawing in, we look for long-term love again. Ready, get set, CUFF!
I can sympathise to a point. There was a moment in June when I was almost dry-humping the furniture so crazed was I with sun-soaked lust.
I went on date after date, had sex left, right and cowgirl and fooled myself it was all in the name of true love.
But actually, I was just looking to get my rocks off, not a rock on my finger.
I scoured Tinder, Happn and Bumble for hotties within 100 yards of my front door and refused to consider any man I didn’t have an instant groinal reaction to.
The low point? Hmm, probably Rota Guy trying to kill me with his penis.
Or maybe sleeping with the ex I knew I wasn’t into.
But all that is about to change – I’m turning over a new leaf for autumn.
I want to sit too close to a hot radiator (I don’t have a fire) with a kind, laughing man my mum would love and wear smug matching knitwear on Bonfire Night.
I’ve had enough of lame drinks and sexual misfires with men I have nothing in common with.
It’s time to grow up and start looking for genuine guys I can be my true, dorky self around.
Here is my cuffing blueprint:
- I will not have sex on a first, second or even third date. This will hurt me and come at no small personal cost but it will be WORTH it.
- To make No1 remotely possible, I will have a maximum of three drinks on a date.
- I will be grown up enough to ditch my obsession with penis size.
- I will not reject a man solely for liking Slipknot.
- I will not dress as a slutty witch for Halloween. I have done this for the past ten years and it’s still not working.
- I will not pretend to be into dirty bedroom weirdness to impress worldly types.
- I will let my sister pick three dates for me. She has better taste in men.
- I will continue to write about all said dates in a national newspaper, giving karma just the ammo she needs to carry on lobbing grenades at my sex life.
- If I do all of the above, I will be in love by Christmas. Fact.